Caulfield Danger Journal

Oh, what a bad week I've had! I'm so mad, I could just...spit!

It all started Saturday night, when I innocently enough went out on a blind date Downtown. With some chick, Katherine Seavey.

I noticed right away she wasn't really my type, so I persuaded her to let me give her a teeny make over. You know, just to make her a little easier on the eyes. My eyes, especially.

So there we were, minding our own business, telling dirty jokes and tickling, the usual first date stuff. When around the corner walks Melissa Fancy. An old girlfriend of mine. And when I say old, I mean old.

She seemed happy to see me for a split second, then BAM! She starts laying into me like some old fish wife. Sheesh, I hadn't even spoken to her in years. Truth be told, I hadn't even thought of her in years, either. Not that I would have told her that. She was riled up enough as it was.

I was just about to offer to pay her off, give her shush money, if you will, but it was too late. Everyone within a three mile radius heard the collective "BOING"s going on. There were cheating lovers all over the place, apparently!

I decided to cut my losses and headed home. To my wife. And to a flaming bag of poo.

The next day Susie got stick picking up even more messes caused by jilted lovers of mine. When will I ever learn?

Well, now that we've had our 54th birthdays, I'm hoping things change for us. Maybe I can retire from the SCIA, and be a good husband for once. I have been feeling this mysterious, powerful force overtaking my conscience. All I want, need, and desire is a gooey grilled cheese sandwich. Maybe I can be a changed man, after all.